..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
