Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
