Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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