I think my vagina is haunted
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
