John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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