Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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