True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
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You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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