Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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