I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
