this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
