a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
