i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
