Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
