We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
