Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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