I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Randomize
