yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He had one of those small greek statue penises
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
