can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
