just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
