So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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