things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
