god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
