Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
