so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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