Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
