I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
