new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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