I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i need some magic done to my vagina
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize