you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
