gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
This house was built for laser tag.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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