why didn't you poke me back
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
