I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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