Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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