We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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