You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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