I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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