I could make wine with my vomit
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
