You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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