Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
