just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
