Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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