somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I could have mohawked her pubes.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
