Non-Jews are for practice
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
