lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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