Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
