Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
