And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Two words: nipple clamps
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