Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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