i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
