I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
