is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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