Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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