Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
