I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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