Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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