he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
