I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
