i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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