I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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