I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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