i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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