i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
