WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
