it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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